le break(ing point)

i'm always excited to go home for break. i talk to my mom 20 times a day on the phone already so it's not like i'm going home to strangers as a stranger. i love animals more than anything and a chance to live with them for a month is priceless. the honeymoon phase (which lasts about three days) is always enjoyable. but after those three days, what happens? chaos. worse than chaos because you know exactly what's going to happen and how it's going to happen. predictable chaos is terrifying. 

so why do i still get excited to go home? why is it something i look forward to, something i consider a much needed month of relaxation, when nothing relaxing ever takes place? catching up with old friends is amazing. sleeping with my cat by my side is precious. sunning in the yard with my dogs is calming. singing to pretty songs with my sister in the car is cool. but are all of these happenings worth the fighting that precedes them? i've made my mom cry two days in a row (not by being mean, just by getting into an argument with my sister and also by not going to church). i know for a fact that she is happier when i am not home. she talks to me when i'm in-between classes or walking home from work and is happy to know that i still need her in my life, at least as someone to converse with between responsibilities. but when i'm home i think she feels a disconnection and knows as well as i that the chaos will soon be taking over. we like it better when things are organized by time, not by emotion. 

so a holiday break for me isn't necessarily a break. it's a change of pace and a change of dramatic incidents. no longer am i annoyed by dirty roommates. i am now annoyed by lack of alone time and cigarettes and a mom thats ready to get angry at any little thing. but it's okay. i love everyone in my family regardless of their anxiety levels, and i love hanging out with friends that stuck with me through the hellish year that was 2008.